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Okay, this is getting ridiculous.
I have like, the same personality as William Beckett and itapos;s driving me insane that I havenapos;t had the chance to hold like, an actual conversation with him thatapos;s longer than 30 seconds.
Maybe thatapos;ll change on November 14. I can pray.

I didnapos;t go to school at all this week.
It fucking sucks.
Iapos;m freezing up like last year. Which is NOT GOOD. Iapos;m not taking junior year again for a third time.
I donapos;t know whatapos;s wrong with me. Itapos;s not like I donapos;t want to go.
I mean, I like my classes, and I have all the teachers I wanted to get. Itapos;s such an ideal situation.
SO WHY THE HELL CANapos;T I GO?
I donapos;t know what it is thatapos;s wrong with me, but I cannot will myself to go.
Every day this week Iapos;ve tried to find a new source of motivation but itapos;s not working.
Like, I get up every day, my mom asks "Are you coming or not?" And I say "Yes, Iapos;m coming".
Then something snaps, or I donapos;t fucking know. Itapos;s like... I think for two minutes and then shut down.
Itapos;s like I just crawl back into bed and never want to face the world.
And I honestly donapos;t know why, and itapos;s driving me crazy.

And my mom... Tonight, I wanted to go bowling with Martha and Alex and Nick.
But since I havenapos;t gone to school all week, of course the answer was no.
Even though Iapos;ve been doing all my makeup work and have emailed all my teachers to find out what Iapos;ve missed, but they have yet to email me back.
Even though I spent half the day doing chores to pay my mom back money that I owed her.
And I did even more to earn more money from her so I could GO bowling.
I havenapos;t been bowling since May 17... I know the date because itapos;s the first day that I hung out with Nick, Alex, Alex and Brad outside of the IOL, and it was Jenapos;s birthday and I felt bad apos;cause I was invited to do stuff with her and our other friends that are seniors but I didnapos;t apos;cause I already had the FUKOC plans.
I just wanted to get out of my godforsaken house. I havenapos;t been out of it since Monday night.
My mom wouldnapos;t even let me go to band practice this week because I missed school. She says itapos;s an extra curricular and that if I donapos;t go to school, I donapos;t get to participate in school activities.
So Burgess is gonna have my head.

And today, John played the music.
He played mostly my music apos;cause Iapos;ve been wanting to play music in the school FOREVER.
Iapos;ve wanted to be in Tri-M FOREVER.
And he doesnapos;t really care, so he was like, sure, but Coach wants me to play a couple songs and Sydney wants me to play one... So give me five.
Alright. I gave him five songs, and the lyrics. He said he liked all the songs, that they were all different in their own little aspects and that the most offensive lyric was "strange-ass". So it was cool.
So everythingapos;s going swimmingly... Heapos;s texting me from school, everyoneapos;s reacting to my music well... Then, he plays Coppertone by The Academy Is... And Bublick complains.
She said it was inappropriate.
Because the first line is "Are you up for this, are you ready to get undressed, undressed in your evening best, besides..."
Even the ladies that worked in the office thought it was bullshit.
But Bublick complained, he had to stop the song, and Burnett got mad pissed.
So I got him in trouble.
I canapos;t do anything fucking right anymore.

For Films class, like the term project is that we have to write a short screenplay. So I have this huge grand idea that I think is pretty much awesome, and I really want to shoot it and make it a short film. I have people willing to participate, and the perfect location and everything. All I need to do is write it out correctly, and make sure Lindsayapos;s okay with it. Sheapos;s my partner and we came up with the initial concept together, but I kinda thought up most of the details and the ending on my own, and I dunno what she thinks of it yet. She said she has ideas for it too, so I want to hear them and thereapos;s a very good chance that her ideas are better than mine, anyway. So we need to brainstorm.
But I decided... If we can get it done in the next four weeks... I want to burn a DVD and give it to William Beckett. That sounds really stupid at first but hear me out.
We have like, identical taste in movies and stuff, and he has an eye for whatapos;s a good film and whatapos;s not. I think he has a better eye than Russell, to be honest.
So I really want to give it to him and get his opinion. Not to mention that I just want to give him something. Like for Cobra, I made them those pretty awesome (in my opinion) hats, and I want something for William, too because heapos;s made of awesome. Heapos;s a Nerdfighter even though he doesnapos;t know it.

Thatapos;s about it... Iapos;m still distressed over the fact that Iapos;m not going to get to meet John and Hank Green, who are pretty much the only reasons that I made it through the summer and that I managed to last this long in school. I actually cried over it. Iapos;m such a fucking loser, my god.

Why do I even bother trying to be happy anymore?

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